Oh ye lucky sailor lads, these beauties could just be yours. Come on all you single boatman/women out there, come and join in at the Singles Night at the Kipperhouse.
The red-hot dating site scored direct hits at IFOS again this year. Last time round at Portsmouth Kipperman found his Herring Hag and this time Pokey Pimms Pete copped off with the Beachy Babe while Constanka Pinto Plonker found amorous 4x4 Bob a wonder in extreme. Oh, how many other single hearts found love under the spell of a bit of fishy smoke?

Now, we all know that classic boats can be a bit of a slog. More tarnish than varnish, less sail than wail. Many a good relationship has floundered on the stormy seas of upkeep, more marital splits than shakes in the old mast. And try as you can, it’s difficult to rebuild faith in the old todger when smothered in bilge slosh and smelling of other evil concoctions lying deep inside the boat. So now, you hard working folk, we at last have the answer, and it’s completely free.

There’s so much to do at Kipperland, so much on the agenda for you lucky folk. We’ve arranged a whole programme of fun for the discerning single for just one night only. Come and have a go at bloater juggling, get totally kippered or bream with joy, listen to arousing mussel music – ‘I’m so lonely, mister lonely’ (sorry Acorn), be a crabby cook and throw crack a claw or two, or just get plainly fickle in the pickle. Best of all, become immersed in the sweet odours of humming herrings and if all else fails watch the smoke curl upwards from the little chimney. Everyone is welcome…sprats, sardines and even Mr and Mrs Salmon if they wish to meet the King of the Sea. And if that don’t ‘san your tails’ then the equivalent of mud wrestling in the sail-tanning sludge might just awaken that long lost libido. There’s something to awaken the passion in even the most dispirited of us.

There is of course a kipper kode. Dress is very informal, no uniforms allowed (sorry Lily). All prospective kippers must sing at least one verse of ‘The Shoals of Herring’ from atop the stepladder. Fishy tales – or snails – must be kept short. All sharks will be salted and well smoked. Possession of fish finders will be disqualified. Those arriving by coracle will be allocated free parking. Finally, any arbitration will be through the EU fishing policy so don’t hold out for a good result.

So to join in with the fun at the Singles Night at the Kipperhouse we ask you to bring out the herring hag or salty dog in yourself, force out the lemon in your sole. Applications are made by presentation to the Kipperhouse one hour before proceedings begin. Look out for the puff of smoke beneath the red herrings a-hanging. Get out your rod and bait, reel in a real lassie (or lad) and take back to the boat a proper little crab to eek out those awkward bits of filth that linger in the limber holes. For sure, your life will never be the same after a once-in-a lifetime visit to the Singles Night at the Kipperhouse.

© Mike Smylie - Kipperman. All rights reserved.
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